New Year

This is the first day of a new year.... to many it means a fresh start. For me, I feel as though there are so many loose ends from last year to simply say it is a new year, start over... I can't leave last year. It lingers. It stings. It hurts. The hurt never stops. Everyone says time heals all, but I feel the pain just keeps cutting deeper. The more I learn about the situation and myself, the awkwardness I feel, the loneliness, the questions I have to answer, comforting my children as they hurt, the shame, the embarrassment, the lies all feel like salt into my wounds. Some days I just feel like I have no more coping mechanisms. I know that I am strong. I almost feel that I had no choice, I had to be. Sometimes I think that I just want one day to be outrageous, crazy, say awful things, tell people what I really want to, and have a complete melt down and have people support and love me through it... No questions of why, just let me be... But instead I keep my thoughts to myself, I control my temper and emotions. I tell myself that God will reward my behavior someday. The conversations with people that I don't have for fear of hurting or upsetting someone.

The only thing I can be for sure of, is that this next year will be what I make it. I have already learned so many lessons. I am stronger than I ever thought I could be. I am smart. I am powerful. I have learned how to be more assertive. I know to trust no one, because people fail. My Faith in God is stronger. I am a Great Mama Bear, that will protect my children. I am a survivor. I will get through this and I will do it with Grace and Dignity. I just need to read this last paragraph daily to keep reminding myself.