New Year

This is the first day of a new year.... to many it means a fresh start. For me, I feel as though there are so many loose ends from last year to simply say it is a new year, start over... I can't leave last year. It lingers. It stings. It hurts. The hurt never stops. Everyone says time heals all, but I feel the pain just keeps cutting deeper. The more I learn about the situation and myself, the awkwardness I feel, the loneliness, the questions I have to answer, comforting my children as they hurt, the shame, the embarrassment, the lies all feel like salt into my wounds. Some days I just feel like I have no more coping mechanisms. I know that I am strong. I almost feel that I had no choice, I had to be. Sometimes I think that I just want one day to be outrageous, crazy, say awful things, tell people what I really want to, and have a complete melt down and have people support and love me through it... No questions of why, just let me be... But instead I keep my thoughts to myself, I control my temper and emotions. I tell myself that God will reward my behavior someday. The conversations with people that I don't have for fear of hurting or upsetting someone.

The only thing I can be for sure of, is that this next year will be what I make it. I have already learned so many lessons. I am stronger than I ever thought I could be. I am smart. I am powerful. I have learned how to be more assertive. I know to trust no one, because people fail. My Faith in God is stronger. I am a Great Mama Bear, that will protect my children. I am a survivor. I will get through this and I will do it with Grace and Dignity. I just need to read this last paragraph daily to keep reminding myself.

Texas Trip

Waiting in the train station...

Mommy and Lane

Alyse and Uncle Seth..

Walking down the ramp to board the train.

Lane and I waiting for the train, it was freezing out...

Uncle Seth carrying Alyse to get on the train.

Lane enjoying the view.

Looking out the window for the first time.... Too fun and exciting...

Burning energy before bedtime on the train.

Breakfast on the train.

A joyous reunion... The kids clung to my Mom it was great.

Uncle Dick taking the kids on his four wheeler.

Mom and Dad

Alyse on the rope swing.

The rope swing Grandpa made.....Twice!

Texas Fire Ants.... You don't want to mess with them, like what we were doing....

Mom and her Baby Kitty.

Seth was dunking his oreos in milk and Alyse decided to help herself, it was really funny.

My Handsome Cowboy

My Little CowGirl...

Our tearful Goodbye... It was horrible.

Uncle Seth being the Best Uncle Ever on the ride home.

Alyse being my Super Model on the train ride home.

Our wonderful trip to Texas to visit Grandma and Grandpa.. I took the Lane and Alyse on the train, my brother Seth was able to come with us to help me on the train... It was great... We were able to take our own food, we could walk around, go potty when we needed to, I also brought our portable DVD player so the kids had plenty to do. We didn't do much while in Texas, except spending time with my Mom and Dad. We played at Mom and Dad's, we played with their poor kittens, caught lizards, broke the rope swing and then Grandpa (60 years young) climbed the tree to put the rope back up, ate really good food, especially Mom's cookin', played outside in the beautiful Texas weather, got cowboy clothes, and most importantly got to see Grandma and Grandpa. It was a great visit... A very tearful goodbye. It was so sad, my Mom and myself were crying and Alyse was looking up and hugging us both and bless her heart she was crying too. When we got on the train and I was wiping my tears, she said, "it's just so sad, mom i'm just so sad" That broke my heart even more. I am thankful that she is such a tender little person. She has so much love. The kids were so excited to ride the train... They had a lot of fun. Both of the kids did great sleeping on the train, Seth and I didn't fair so well, the kids took over the seats.... I was just happy that they were sleeping.

Life has been busy, once I got home I only had one day off before classes started again... So far I already have one week done.... Yeay.... Thankfully I won't have class or clinical on Tuesdays or Fridays.... So that will save some money on gas and daycare... Sorry it has taken me so long to update all of you... I've just been a little busy trying to get life organized, with little success... Oh well. Hope you all are doing well. Take care and May God Bless Your Day......

God's Blessings

I write to you all tonight feeling so blessed and completely in awe... I was asked to be apart of my best friends' Kate and Michael's baby's birth.... I was her Doula... Her little boy decided to try to come our tushy first, which doesn't work, so the physician tried to turn him today... Sadly he didn't want to flip around, so Mr. Jack was delivered by c-section. I was so amazed by the strength that my friend Kate expressed, she never complained and she handled everything with such grace.... She is truely a beautiful stong woman.... I was blessed to get to go back for the section with Kate and her husband. I was incharge of the video camera... I had so much fun just getting to be apart of such a special day... I just feel so honored... I work in Labor and Delivery, so I have seen many births, but it is always a miracle and I still get emotional. I just thank God for such a wonderful day, both my friend and her new arrival are healthy and happy. Thank Thee for giving me the love of the birthing process, I can't get over how beautiful it is. The whole thing from beginning to end the woman's body is perfect in every way. Ok I could ramble on and on about how awesome it is and how much I love it... I am still on cloud nine from today...

To Kate and Michael~

You both are wonderful people and together are great.... I am so blessed to have you BOTH as friends.. I love you guys. You did so well today and I want to Thank you for letting me share in your special day. The love that you have for one another is special and it is a beautiful relationship... You guys are always respectful, considerate and kind to each other... I appriciate getting to witness your love and marriage.... You will make wonderful parents, not because you have all the answers, but because you love each other... Always remember to put God first, Your Spouse second and then your children... Sometimes it's hard, but things run more smoothly in that order....May God bless your family.... I love you.

To Jack~

Happy Birthday..... You are the most handsome boy....with the most kissable lips.... so get use to kisses from Aunt Amanda.... Jack you are so loved by so many... My kids have been praying for you and thinking of you since your Mommy starting getting a belly..... We can't wait to love and kiss on you..... Especially Alyse... Be good to your Mom and Dad, they worked really hard to get you here healthy and safely..... I love you Baby Jack.....

Wonderful Break

I am so happy to report that I have completely enjoyed my break... I have gotten a few important things completed, but I truely haven't worked that hard... I tell myself that I should get more done before school starts again, but I just can't get motivated to do it... I wanted to really give my house a good deep cleaning, but then I decided it's just not that important... What is important is the time I've been spending with the kids playing... We have had such a great time.... I am excited that my best friend Kate and her husband Michael are going to the hospital tomorrow to have their baby Jack.... and they have asked me to come and be their Doula.... I can't wait... Jack is breach, so they have to turn him before inducing labor.... She is going to do so great... Then next week I am taking the kids on a train ride to visit my Mom and Dad in Texas... We are going to have so much fun.. I hope to find Lane a cowboy hat and some boots while down in Texas... We are even planning a trip to the beach... I can't wait to just spend time with my mom and dad.

I am looking foward to starting school, the sooner I start the sooner I finish.... Plus I can't wait to keep learning so many new things... We get to start IV's and I can't wait.... If anyone has good veins I could use some practice.... just kidding.. Well I am going to get a few things done around this house and go to bed.... Hope everyone has a great weekend... Loves to All~

Christmas

Mo-Mo reading to her grand-babies... They all pile on...

Alyse holding baby Carson, she is such a little Mommy.... She is addicted to this baby... She can't stay away from him, it's cute.

Sweet Baby Carson

What did you say?

Alyse got dishes for her new kitchen from Grandma and Grandpa..

Sweet Baby Carson

John opening his Christmas gift that totally surprised him.... New shirts with his truck logo on them.....

Lane with his gift from Aunt Candice and Uncle Michael, yes a batman costume

Me holding my sweet nephew Carson..... I could smoosh the pudding out of him, he's so hug-able..

Alyse, Great-Grandma Sides and Lane with Birthday hats on to celebrate Aunt Phyllis's big day.

This kids waiting at the top of the stairs to come down to open presents....

When they saw the play kitchen they both were so excited... It was great... Alyse couldn't stop smiling.

She opened every door, a couple of times it was great.... I think tha tshe really liked it.

They were both excited by the new toy.

Lane opening more gifts.

Posing infront of the tree. They did not want to do it. They did more tickling, pushing and giggling then doing what I would of liked them to do... Oh well they had fun...

She was sick of me taking pictures..... Ya think...

Lane will always pose for a picture....

We lost power on Tuesday night for a few hours so we let them open one gift each to try to keep them busy... It worked pretty well...

Before opening a gift they each got a battery operated candle stick... They thought that they were big stuff...

The pictures got a little out of order, but more trying to get a nice picture infront of the tree.

Landon and baby Carson.. They cutiest nepheews ever....

Great-Grandma Dohman giving the kids their gifts...

Alyse getting all dolled up at Mo-Mo's house.... She is all girl...

Since we got to Grandma's house early, she put us all to work.... The kids loved it...

It is hard to believe that Christmas is here already....but it's true. We always have many family functions to go to on the holidays, which is always good eating... Our Christmas get-to-togethers started with the Bolliger Family on Saturday down in Tremont. It's always great to see everyone again. Sunday was our Dohman family Christmas at my mother-in-law's house. It was really funny, I told her that I would leave the kids at home and I would come in early to help her finish getting things ready, well at 10 am our power went out and by 12 noon the temperature in the house was already down to 48 degrees.... Yeah pretty cold, so we all went in to Grandma Judy's house.... When she answered the door, she just looked shocked and said what are you doing? I pleaded that our power was out and we were cold... SO she let us in...Then she put us all to work. It was fun... Lane dusted and Alyse vacuumed. The Dohman party was fun, it was great to see all the cousins just about everyone was able to make it. Christmas Eve we had two Christmas Gatherings to attend. The Sides family Christmas at my Aunt Glenda's. That one is nice because it is Normal so not to far for me to drive. We went ahead and let the kids open their presents from Tony and I today(Christmas Eve) in the morning, which was so fun... I loved it, so worthwhile. Then off to Aunt Glenda's then a mad dash to Judy's house for the immediate family of Tony. We have had such a Blessed Christmas. I am so thankful for all of my family, friends, and just really everything.... I have posted a few pictures from the last couple of days. Hope you all enjoy... Love you and miss you all, Hope to see or talk to you soon....